


Running

by Toweringlover25



Category: EastEnders (TV)
Genre: F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-14
Updated: 2020-07-20
Packaged: 2021-03-05 06:33:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,600
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25269907
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Toweringlover25/pseuds/Toweringlover25
Summary: Callum has spent his whole life running. Running into burning buildings as a fire fighter, running into combat in the army, running away from his problems. Can a surge of electricity, a forbidden connection and his heart teach him he doesn't have to run?
Relationships: Ben Mitchell/Lexi Pearce, Callum "Halfway" Highway & Ben Mitchell & Lexi Pearce, Callum "Halfway" Highway/Ben Mitchell, Jay Brown/Lola Pearce, Whitney Dean/Callum "Halfway" Highway
Comments: 10
Kudos: 33





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hi!
> 
> So this is a new fic for me... Bit apprehensive about posting it but will see if anyone has any comments. Ballum have taken over my life and I had to express it somehow... 
> 
> Hope you enjoy it. Feel free to comment, welcome any feedback

1\. Reflection

‘One more for the road?’

'I shouldn’t, I have work in the morning’

‘Oh Cal, come on… you never have any fun anymore. I can’t remember the last time we went out together. I haven’t seen you for weeks. Anyone would think you weren’t into me anymore?’

‘It’s not like that Whit. I’m just busy… ‘

‘With work I know. Callum, we both work for the emergency services so I know exactly what the hours are like, but you can find time. If you want to. The question you need to ask yourself is do you want to find the time?’

‘If I could I would. I’ve been on 12 hour shifts for the last three weeks Whit. If I’m not working I’m sleeping, and if I’m not asleep I’m shopping, cleaning… I’m sorry I’ve not been around much but our jobs prevent it a lot of the time’

‘We’re in the same boat Callum. You’re a fire fighter, I’m a paramedic. I can find time for you, why can’t you for me?’

‘Whitney, I’ve had a long few days. I came out to see you tonight for a drink. I miss being able to spend time with you, but with work the way it’s not been the easiest to find time. I’m here now with you, doesn’t that mean anything?’

‘It does, but it feels like you don’t want to be here. Like it’s a chore Cal, that’s all I’m saying. It’s always me who makes the first move, always me who texts you, me who picks you up, me who invites you back to mine. Its kind of getting boring now’

‘So I’m boring and not interested?’

‘That’s very much what it feels like and it shouldn’t be like that’

‘No, it shouldn’t’

‘I think you need to think about if this… if us is what you want. Excuse me’

She got up out the chair and pulled her jacket on, avoiding Callum’s gaze. She pulled out some money, left it on the table.

‘Whit… where are you going?’

'Home. If you work out what you want, text me’

‘Whit….’

'Callum, I’m too old for this. For someone who doesn’t know what they want. I want something real’

‘Isn’t what we have real?’

‘You tell me’

‘I…’ ‘

Asked and answered. I’m out of here’

‘I…’

‘Callum, don’t. Just leave it’

‘Why are you angry with me?’

‘Callum, I’m not angry, I’m just tired. You won’t introduce me to your friends, we never go anywhere near where you live. You never make time for me. What are you so scared of? No, scared is the wrong word, you’re ashamed or embarrassed. Of me. Of us and I’ve tried to be patient, but I don’t want to be a secret. Like I said, I want something real. Goodnight’

‘Whit…’

'I said goodnight Callum’

…

'What are you so scared of?’

Everything.

Callum was scared of everything. All his life, he’d been scared. If it wasn’t his dad telling him off for being a wimp, his big brother was teasing him and hiding his toys. After his mum died, he had felt more alone than ever. Moving away after leaving the army was Callum’s way of trying to cut the apron strings, but it had only made him more frightened.

Ironically, the only time he wasn’t scared was when he was doing his job. Callum had always enjoyed helping people, and after he left the army he had done some soul searching. Being a fire fighter, had never been Callum’s dream but whatever the job was… whether it be life saving or a little job, Callum always got a buzz, knowing he was doing something meaningful and worthwhile.

He’d met Whitney three months ago at a benefit party for NHS workers. She had just came over and started talking to him. Callum had felt at ease at the beginning but then she had started to call him every day, message him at every hour of the day. And that made Callum the most scared he’d ever been. Why?Because then he’d have to acknowledge the storm inside him, the battle he’d been fighting in himself ever since he could remember. He thought just seeing Whit occasionally would be enough but the thought of a full time physical relationship with her, the idea of introducing her to his colleagues, didn’t sit well with him.

Splashing water on his face, he glanced up at the mirror and the tall stranger glanced up with him. That’s what he always saw. It was difficult to explain in his head… when you go swimming and the mirrors in the changing rooms get misted over… that was what Callum saw, every time he looked in the mirror.

A strange individual shrouded in mist and uncertainty, someone who he should recognise but didn’t. And he didn’t think he ever would. That’s what he was scared of. Confronting the issue that was slowly consuming him from the inside out. Even thinking about it, scared him more than it should. So he kept running, hoping it would go away on its own.

…

'Whisky, make it a double’

‘Hard day sunshine?’

‘Could say that’

' Wanna talk about it?’

‘No’

'Ouch. Fair enough. 3.75 please’

Callum threw some money down on the counter and went to sit down in the corner. This was usual for him. Desperate to escape the ongoing war he was having with himself, he sought solace in the booze. Sometimes he couldn’t run from it, so he numbed it with the alcohol. A vicious circle with no beginning and no end. The circle of his life he supposed.

‘Are you okay?’

Callum looked up from the bottom of his glass to see the barman standing over him, looking concerned.

'Peachy’

‘You don’t look it’

'Thanks very much’

'Just saying, you look troubled’

‘What if I am? What are you going to do about it?’ ‘

'Maybe I can help’

‘I doubt that’

‘Try me’

Before Callum could say anything, he sat down opposite him and looked at him, waiting for him to say something. He waited a minute and when he didn’t say anything, he extended his hand.

‘Let’s start with something easy… Ben Mitchell’

‘Callum Highway’

Callum reached over and shook his hand, jumping as a surge of electricity travelled through his arm.

'Did you…’

Ben trailed off seeing the look of pure fear in Callum’s eyes.

‘I need… to… thanks for… nice to meet you… Ben’

‘Wait…’

Ben couldn’t stop Callum as Callum ran out of the pub. He stared after him for a second before looking down at his hand. He smiled sadly and shook his head. They’d both felt it and no amount of running away was going to conceal that.

No one can change themselves, and no one can escape from who we are. Some people just need a bit of help to recognise that.


	2. Try Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone!
> 
> Hope you all enjoyed the first chapter. This is quite a personal story for me so I hope you enjoy it. 
> 
> Trigger Warning... Self harm

The rays of the sun basking his bed in a warm, golden bath of light woke Callum out of his slumber. His throat was like sandpaper and he had a dry mouth, sticky with saliva. He groaned and tried to burrow back into the blackness of his slumber, but even last night there had been no escape. 

Plagued with dreams of his argument with Whitney and zaps of electricity, Callum was not ready to face the day. He wanted to bury his head under the duvet and hope the tidal waves of emotions stirred up inside him would wash out. 

He knew why they called it a hangover, the darkest of storms had gathered and were hanging over his head, with absolutely no chance of them leaving until much later. Callum had weathered many storms in his life, one for nearly all his life but adding another one to his foggy mind was his own doing. He burrowed under the duvet, willing himself to fall asleep again but then he heard his doorbell. 

‘Go away, please go away’ he said to himself over and over, praying the visitor would get the subliminal brain messages he was sending them, whoever they were. But then he heard his letterbox rattling 

‘Callum, I know you’re in there. Let me in’

Oh god. Whitney. He couldn’t ignore her. Steeling himself, he groaned as he threw back the duvet and swung his legs out of bed. Was the pounding in his head as a result of the drinking session he’d had when he got back last night? That would fade over time, but the pain wouldn’t. He had become accustomed to living with it. 

He grabbed his dressing gown from the back of the door and padded softly down the stairs softly, almost as if he was forbidding them from announcing his movement from his safe spot… his bed. 

‘Whit… what are you doing here?’ He opened the door, hovering awkwardly as he spied Whitney stood on the doorstep looking at him pointedly. 

‘I was worried about you believe it or not. You leaving me a voicemail at 3am was worrying enough, but then when I heard you sobbing I was worried. So I thought I’d come and make sure you were okay. I had your address from the time you asked me to order you a taxi’

‘I’m fine Whit’

‘You look it Callum. Are you going to invite me in? Or are am I not allowed in to your house without an appointment?'

‘Sorry… come in’ he stood aside and let her in. 

Whitney went into the first door and perched on the end of the sofa. Her eyes raked over the empty vodka bottle on the floor, sighing and shaking her head.

‘Thought you weren’t drinking cause of work?’

‘Yeah… I’m not going in today. I’m sick’

‘Rubbish’

‘I am. I’m not well, that’s why I was so long answering the door’

‘You know what’s wrong with you? This!’ she kicked the vodka bottle contemptuously across the room at Callum, her voice rising.

‘So I had a drink last night?’ he sighed, reaching down and picking the bottle up.

‘You had more than one by the smell in here and the state of you. I was worried something had happened to you. But you’re just hungover’

‘What if I am?’

‘Callum, why are you pushing me away?’

‘I’m not’ avoiding Whitney’s gaze by focusing on a spot about a foot over her head

‘Yes you are’ 

‘Please Whit, I can’t do this now’ he hung his head, looking down at the floor

‘You can never do anything that requires emotion Callum’ she thumped her hands down on the sofa in exasperation. 

‘Don’t…’

‘Don’t what? Make you do something you don’t want. I just want some answers Callum, some honesty. Do you want this? Do you want us?’ Whitney waved her hands in the air to make Callum look at her. 

‘Whitney…’

‘Do you?’

‘I…’

‘Yes or no?’

‘I DON’T KNOW!’ Callum slammed his fist into the door in frustration, his anger bubbling inside of him like a saucepan when it’s vegetables are cooked. 

Whitney looked at him for a minute before sighing. Callum rested his forehead on the back of the door, shutting his eyes to the world, blotting everything and everyone out. 

‘How can you not know if you want to be with someone?’ 

‘Because I don’t Whit. I wish I had the answers, but I don’t know. I keep asking myself and I just don’t know. Happy?’

‘No Callum I’m not. I’m confused, angry, concerned strangely but no I’m not happy’

Callum turned around and Whitney saw the hint of fear in his eyes. She closed her eyes for a second, regaining her compsure and she felt the sofa sag as Callum sat down next to her. 

‘I’m sorry’ he took her hand. 

‘For what?’ 

‘Everything. You deserve better than this, better than me. I wish I had more answers but in truth, I don’t know what I want Whitney’

‘Just leave it’

‘I just think’

‘I said leave it!’ Whitney snapped as she pulled her hand out of Callum’s reach. She wasn’t going to let him try and make her feel better, when it was his fault she was mad in the first place. 

‘I just think we need to know where we stand’

‘Oh I know where I stand Callum. I came here to check you were okay, but you’re not. You’re not ready for a grown up relationship.’

‘Whit, please, I like you…’ he tried again to take her hand but she pulled it out of his reach. 

‘Do you? Funny way of showing it! You don’t know what you want!’

‘You’re right. I don’t know what I want. I like you but that’s not…’

‘Not what Callum?’

‘Not enough’ he choked out on a sob, his gaze dropping to the floor. 

Whitney heard the sob in his voice and her heart broke a little bit. She reached over and squeezed his thigh, making him look at her. 

‘Callum, have you ever thought about seeing someone?’ 

‘You think I’m mad don’t you?’

‘No. I just think, you maybe should see someone. To help you deal with whatever you have going on’

‘A man deals with problems on his own’ Callum whispered, his head dropping again. 

‘What?’ 

‘Nothing, nothing. No I have never thought about seeing someone. I deal with it on my own’ Callum shook his head defiantly, trying to get his father’s voice out of his dead

‘But you’re not Callum’

‘I don’t need to see anyone. Okay?’

‘Here you go again, getting defensive’

‘I’m not getting defensive Whit. I just don’t think I need to see anyone’

Whitney reached over and rubbed her hand on Callum’s cheek. She pushed his head up, to make him look at her and as his eyes met her she saw the raw hint of fear, masked by a shiny pool of unshed tears. 

‘I think you might need to Cal. Whatever this is. You need to make peace with yourself and move on’

‘I DON’T!’ Callum moved away from Whitney’s touch, opening the living room door. 

‘You want me to go?’ 

‘I need to be by myself’

‘I don’t like leaving you like this’

‘Whit, please…’ Callum gestured to the front door, his hand shaking. 

Whitney looked at him for a second but seeing something flash between his eyes, she got up off the sofa and walked to the door. She reached out and touched Callum’s cheek

‘Promise me one thing’

‘What?’

‘You’ll think about what I said. And please, when you can, call me. I just want to know you’re ok’

‘I’m fine’

‘I mean it Cal, just call me please’ 

He nodded his head, and moved to let Whitney out. She hovered at the end of the path, before turning and waving, a tight smile stretched on her face. Callum waved back before spying the empty vodka bottle on the floor, where he’d dropped it. 

The storm inside him raged on, the thunder in his brain clapping louder and louder until he could bear it no more. Sinking to the doorstep, he reached for the bottle. Reflected in the glass, was the stranger again. It should be himself, but he didn’t know who he was. 

He wanted it to stop, just for five minutes. To stop the war inside his brain. The bottle was there, in his hand and he pressed it hard to his leg, trying to numb the roaring inside of him. He pressed and pressed, beginning to slam it against his thigh, almost as if he was trying to erase the feel and trace of Whitney’s hand from it. 

Then he realised what he was doing and threw the bottle against the bin outside. Letting out a sob, he went inside and slammed the front door, before sinking to the floor and cuddling his legs to him. Away from any prying eyes, he began to cry. 

Then he heard the letterbox rattle and something fell on top of him. He opened his eyes and blinked when he saw his wallet on the floor. There was a note attached to it, with a phone number. 

Mind your leg on that bottle. You left the wallet in the bar, thought I should return it. I meant what I said last night, try me. Call me if you want to talk. Ben

Callum blinked as he read the note, before a small smile spread across his face. The storm inside him stopped, just for a second, but it was enough for Callum to notice, before the panic rose in him. 

Try me. 

Should he?


	3. Butterflies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for the kudos and lovely comments. Hope you like this one. I've been working on it for days. Also... What's wrong with Ben?

Callum opened his eyes, blinking in the light steaming in through the partially opened curtains of his living room. His eyes were heavy and his head was hurting, sleeping on the sofa hadn’t helped. Callum had been unable to drag himself up the stairs last night, so he’d crashed out on the sofa.

Pushing himself up, he raked a hand through his hair and pushed the curtains back until the sun streamed in, basking Callum in a temporary rush of warmth. Then something twinkling in his eye line bought him crashing back to earth. The whisky bottle was illuminated in the sun light, almost shining. If Callum didn’t know any better, he’d have thought the sun was teasing him about what he got up to last night.

The events from yesterday had resulted in another drinking session to try and quench the thirst for answers that had risen up in him. Why did Whitney think he needed to see someone? Why was he incapable of feeling something he so wanted to? What was wrong with him? Why had he left his wallet in that bar? Why had Ben brought it back? His eyes raked over the room until they found the treasure they desired… Callum’s wallet was on the floor by the door, where Callum had thrown it in a complete panic yesterday. Why had Ben’s note calmed the storm inside him? And why did that calm fill Callum with compete panic?

So many questions swirling around in him, none of which Callum had the answers to. He had tried to flush them out of his system with the alcohol but it hadn’t worked. He’d just contributed a sore head and a bad temper to his mood. He sighed and reached over for the wallet, the note still attached.

Mind your leg on that bottle-

Ben had obviously witnessed him trying to hurt himself with the bottle. He was mortified he had tried to do that. What was the note about? Ben had obviously tried to return the wallet but seen Callum trying that so had just explained himself in a note. But the comment about the bottle, what was that about? Did he need to see someone? Maybe a strange, impartial ear would be good. But the thought of opening up to someone who was paid to care wasn’t what Callum had in mind. Before he could change his mind, he punched the number into his phone. Hearing the dialling tone in his ear filled Callum with anticipation and dread.

‘Hello, Daddy’s phone. Can I help?’

‘Hello?’ Callum nearly dropped the phone when he heard the voice of a child. 

‘Hello, who are you? Why are you phoning my Daddy?’

‘Sorry, I have the wrong number’

‘That’s very silly’

‘Sorry... I have to go. Bye’

Callum put the phone down, dropping it like it was a hot coal. Why had a child answered the phone? A child? There was only one answer that Callum could think of. Ben had given him the wrong number... Either by accident or on purpose. Knowing Callum’s luck, it was probably the latter. He was probably sat having a laugh at the fake number he’d given to this sob story he’d come across at work.  
Callum’s ringtone suddenly interrupted his thoughts and he snatched it up. It was the same number he had just rang, probably that girls dad wanting to know who he was. He accepted the call and braced himself for the row he deserved.

‘Hello?’

‘Hi. You just called me. My daughter answered, sorry about that’

‘Ben?’ Callum was shocked to hear Ben’s voice, so he had given him his actual number. He hadn’t been having a laugh at Callum’s expense.

‘That’s me. Who is this?'

‘You... It doesn’t matter...’ Callum was about to ring off

‘Wait... Callum. Is that you?’

‘What if it is? I shouldn’t have rang you. Not if you have your daughter’

‘That’s a pathetic excuse and you know it is. You rang me before you knew about Lexi. I was hoping you would yesterday but I’m glad you did. Are you OK?’

‘Peachy’

‘You said that the other night. You looked troubled then but when I came by yesterday to return your wallet, you looked even more lost. Row with the missus?’

‘What?’ Callum began picking at a loose thread on one of his sofa cushions, not noticing the calmness he was beginning to feel wash over him.

‘I saw her leave looking upset. Then you tried to do that with the bottle. I saw you, I was watching’

‘Stalker’ Callum couldn’t help smile when he heard Ben chuckle dryly.

‘Looks and a sense of humour hey? You really are the full package. Can’t understand why you don’t know that yourself’

‘Cause I’m not Ben’

‘Says who?’

‘Me, that’s who. Why did I phone you?’

‘You did, that’s all that matters?’

‘But why?’ Callum asked him, hoping to get some answers, he had none.

‘I don’t know Callum. Did you want to talk?’

‘Would you mind?’

‘I wouldn’t have given you my number if I minded Callum’

‘Can we do this...’

‘Do you want me to come to yours? I have to drop Lexi to her mums so I’ll come over after. That any good?’

‘Peachy’ Callum smiled again when he heard Ben laugh again.

‘Okay, see you in a bit’

‘Bye Ben’ Callum rang off and cursed to himself when he saw the state of his living room. Sighing he got up and began to clear it up, getting rid of the evidence that made him feel guilty for his drinking session the night before.

........

A short while later, the door knocked. Just two gentle raps on the door. Callum leapt off the sofa and went to the door, his anxiety calming when he saw Ben on the doorstep. He smiled and let Ben in, juxtaposing his reaction to Whitney turning up yesterday.

‘Hey, um... Thanks for coming’

‘Thanks for phoning. I was worried about you’

‘Why... Why didn’t you come back around?’

‘I didn’t want to push you. You looked so lost and troubled yesterday, if I had turned up, it might have pushed you. I left it up to you... Do you mind if I...? Ben gestured to the sofa, spying the blanket pushed back hurriedly.

‘Sure, sorry. Make yourself at home’ Ben smiled and Callum felt his nerves alleviate. He settled in the armchair and watched as Ben sank into the sofa.

‘Thanks for bringing back my wallet. I didn’t realise I’d left it. And for the.. ’ Callum gestured to where the wallet lay next to Ben on the sofa

‘No problem. You rushed out of the bar so fast I’m not surprised you forgot it’

Callum said nothing as his mind flashed back to why he had left the bar so fast... The electricity.

‘Yeah... Sorry about that. I just had a long day’

‘Is that all it was?’ Callum saw Ben narrow his eyes. 

‘What are you implying?’

‘Why are you so defensive? Is this why you tried to hurt yourself yesterday? Row with the missus? Did she try and find out what was eating you?’

‘No! We just had a row, couples do’

‘What they don’t do though, is follow up the row with trying to bottle themselves’

‘I didn’t... Not like that’

‘My eyes do work Callum, I’m not stupid’

‘What and I am?’ Callum jumped up from the chair and began to punch the door. Ben watched him for a minute, before getting up and pulling him away

‘Callum... Stop. What is so bad you can’t talk about it?’ 

‘Don’t’ Callum was still flailing his fists around, trying to stop the storm that had started swirling around in him again. 

‘Callum, talk to me’

‘I’m drowning’ Callum wept suddenly, his voice breaking and Ben was caught short. 

‘Callum... Come and sit down’ Callum let Ben take him over to the sofa and sit him down. He sat next to him and waited for him to continue. 

‘I feel like I’m swimming against the tide. I’m being pulled further out to sea and I keep going under. And nothing I try can stop it. Drinking, running away, so I tried numbing it. But that didn’t work either. A circle I can’t escape. I wish it would just stop for just five minutes!’  
Callum began to hit his thigh and Ben captured his hand in his, making him stop and peer at him in blind panic. 

‘Hey, Callum, you’re not the first to feel like this. And you won’t be the last. What’s made you feel like this?’

‘I... I... don't know’

‘The hesitation kind of tells me something different...’

Ben trailed off, seeing Callum look down at their joined hands. A flash of something passed between his eyes, and then he felt the butterflies rise up in the pit of his stomach. Callum dropped his hand, shaking. 

‘Stop it’ he pleaded, his hands shaking. 

‘Stop what?’

‘Whatever you just did’

‘I didn’t do anything though did I?’

‘Ben... what do you want from me?’ 

‘To help you. That’s all, I promise’ Ben reached out for Callum’s hand again but Callum snatched it away, so he settled for resting his hand on Callum’s thigh, squeezing it gently. Callum stopped shaking, the butterflies fluttering away in his stomach. 

‘Ben, please, stop it’ 

‘Callum, I’m not doing anything. I feel them too you know’

‘What?’ Callum began to relax, the feeling of Ben’s hand on his thigh soothing him. 

‘The butterflies’ 

‘What are you...’

Ben reached out and took Callum’s hand. Callum allowed him to relish the calmness that descended for a second before he felt scared. He flew off the sofa, hands shaking. He gestured towards the door, visibly scared. Ben could see it in his eyes. 

‘Callum, it’s ok’

‘No its not. Can you go?’

‘Really?’ 

‘Ben... Please, just go’

Ben sighed and got off the sofa. He walked over to Callum, taking his hands in his and looking at him for a minute.  
‘You know where I am. Please call me’

‘I can’t...’

‘Yes you can. Forget the butterflies thing. Just call me and talk to me. Anytime’

Callum looked at Ben and he closed the gap between them, about to kiss him when his phone burst into life and his ringtone started playing. For a second nothing happened, but then Ben pushed him away, his face pale white as if all the life had drained from it. 

‘Are you ok?’

‘I have to go. Call me though?’

‘If you want’

Ben nodded, and left Callum on his own. He shook his head sadly and went to shut the door. What had just happened? What had made Ben go funny? What were the butterflies in his stomach about? 

No running away would deny the hard proof... He had relaxed. As he looked in the mirror, the mist began to clear but that just made him feel more scared. He couldn’t be, could he?


	4. Ready

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This was the first chapter I wrote for this fic, was the corner stone. And it was the first one to feature a little of Ben's perspective. Ben works in The Vic with Jay. Mick is the boss. That's the context I had in my head anyway
> 
> Hope you enjoy it

‘Ben, what’s up?’

Hearing Jay’s voice, Ben was brought back down out of the rafters. He shook his head, trying to ignore the butterflies that were still flying around in his stomach, after his encounter with Callum earlier that day.

‘Sorry... What did you say?’

‘About Lexi... what’s up? Are you okay?’

‘Peachy’

‘Peachy?’

‘Yes Peachy, I’m fine’

‘Come on Ben... talk to me?’ Jay sat down opposite Ben, drumming his fingers on the table while he waited for Ben to reply.

‘About what?’

‘Whatever it is that has your mind elsewhere. You’re not... there’s nothing wrong is there? Like physically?’ Jay reached over and squeezed Ben on the shoulder, caught up in the worry for just a moment.

‘I’m fine Jay, I promise’

‘Ben, whatever it is... you’ll feel better if you share it. Talk to me’

‘It’s not a what Jay...’ Ben whispered, playing with a loose thread that had come away from the hen of his shirt.

‘So, it’s a who?’

‘What?’ Jay knew he’d hit the nail on the head when Ben stopped what he was doing and looked him square in the face.

‘You said it wasn’t a what, so it must be a who. Who’s the lucky boy?’

‘Who said it was a he?’ Ben smiled when Jay rolled his eyebrows in exasperation.

‘Ben... unless you’ve had a complete personality change or been hit over the head with a blunt instrument that has made you forget everything that makes you who you are... which I very much doubt, it will always be a bloke. Come on, who is he?’

‘I don’t know’ Ben answered honestly, because he didn’t. He knew his name and knew Callum was troubled. He also knew he had butterflies after earlier, but that was it.

‘What do you mean, you don’t know?’

‘What I said, I don’t know. I know nothing about him?’

‘What’s his name... Do you know that?’

‘Callum...’ Ben sighed, putting his head in his hands in his hands as the butterflies fluttered around in his stomach.

‘Nice name’

‘He is nice... well he seems nice'

‘Where did you meet him?’

‘Work. He’d had a few drinks... looked troubled so I asked if he wanted to talk. We introduced ourselves and there was a jolt... an electric shock and...’ Ben was lost in the moment, trying to explain to Jay what had happened.

‘And?’

‘He bolted, guess he felt it too. He left his wallet so I took it back yesterday. Something happened that isn’t my place to talk about so I left the wallet and my number. He called me this morning so I went round’

‘Just like that?’ Jay couldn’t believe what he was hearing. Ben was usually guarded, so hearing he’d gone straight round to Callum was a shock for Jay.

‘He’s not in a good way. He said he felt like he was drowning so I took his hand and said he isn’t the only person to feel like this but then there was butterflies’

‘From you or him?’ Jay was keen to get the whole story from Ben, something was telling him that he was holding something back.

‘Both I think. I told him I had them to and he got scared. I saw it in his eyes. He asked me to go, but then...’

‘Then what?’

‘I told him to call me and he was going to kiss me. I knew it, but then his ringtone’

‘Sorry’

‘Blackbird’

‘Really?’

‘What are the chances?’

‘I don’t know a million to one... So I ran away. And I feel terrible Jay’ Ben’s voice began to crack and Jay gave him a hug, trying to cheer him up.

‘Hey, hey. It’s OK. That song is painful for you. You say he was going to kiss you?’

‘Yes’

‘So, the question you have to ask yourself is... would you have kissed him if he had kissed you?’

‘Yes’

‘Ben... I know the song is painful for you, but it sounds like Callum was trying to reach out’  
‘I think he was, and I left him. I’ve done the worst thing Jay. I’ve only seen him twice. What is happening to me?’

Ben began to bang his fists on the table in frustration when he heard a knock on the door behind him. Stood in the doorway was his boss Mick. And as Ben looked past Mick, there was Callum, hanging his head looking like he shouldn’t be here.

‘This young man here, would like to see you Ben. Was pretty insistent. I told him you were on your break but he wanted to see you. Said it couldn’t wait’

Ben was speechless and stared at Callum for a minute, before smiling and nodding at Mick.  
‘Sure, let him in’

Callum looked up at Ben when he heard him speak, almost relaxing when Ben said it was OK. Mick stood aside and let him go in, looking him up as he went in to the room.

‘Don’t be late back boys, I have to pick Ollie up from his nan later’

‘I’ll come down now Mick, think these guys needs to talk’ Jay got up, squeezed Ben on the shoulder and went down the stairs after Mick. Callum stood awkwardly in the living room, eyeing up the flamingos on the wall.

‘Scary aren’t they?’ Ben’s voice interrupted his thoughts

‘Huh?’

‘The flamingos’ Ben gestured to the wall, glad of something else to talk about.

‘Oh... yeah... unusual choice I suppose’

‘If you like that sort of thing that’s all that matters’

‘How could anyone like them?’ Callum’s voice tailed off as they both realised they were no longer talking about the choice of wallpaper. Ben watched Callum for a second and then went over to him, touching his shoulder. Callum jumped away from Ben when he felt the touch.

‘Ben... what am I doing here?’ he whispered. 

He didn’t know himself, he’d just driven and driven after Ben had left. His stomach had been doing loop after loop and nothing he could do would settle it. He wanted to know what he had done to make Ben run out on him earlier. He had needed to clear his head so he’d gone out for a drive... but then he’d found himself here. At the pub where he met Ben.

‘Maybe you should ask yourself that Callum? Do you have no idea?’ Ben replied quietly, gesturing to the chair opposite where Jay had been sat.

‘I don’t know. I don’t know anything anymore. I never did, but the last two days have made me realise I know nothing about myself’

‘I was like you’ Ben interrupted before he could stop himself.

‘What?’

‘Struggling to answer questions about myself. To find my place. I didn’t know who I was’

‘You think I don’t know who I am?’

‘Don’t you?’ Ben smiled when Callum sat down on the sofa next to him, raking his hand through his hair.

‘I don’t know, I should be having this conversation with Whit... not a stranger I met two days ago’  
‘Whit?’

‘My... the girl you saw me with yesterday’

‘Ah... not your girlfriend then?’ Ben noted the sense of hesitation in Callum’s voice.

‘What?’

‘You said my and then stopped’

‘Why are you analysing me Ben? Why did you run out on me like that earlier? What did I do? Why did I come here? What is wrong with me?’ 

Callum began to hit himself in the head with his hand, knocking himself over and over again. Ben watched him for a second before capturing his hand, unable to say anything, he squeezed Callum’s hand gently. Callum looked at their clasped hands and feeling a rush of warmth flowing out from their contact, Callum squeezed back. Ben smiled as he felt Callum squeeze his hand.

‘What is this?’ Callum heard himself ask

‘I don’t know’

‘What’s happening to me?’ Callum looked at their hands again, trying to stop the panic inside him rising. 

‘I wish I had the answers Callum. If this is what I think it is, you can’t run away from it, believe me I’ve tried’

‘You’ve been here?’ Callum was feeling stronger with every passing second, he felt grounded and in control. But why? Was it Ben?

‘You can lie to everyone around you but lying to yourself. It rips you apart Callum. You can’t hide it or change it. But you can only accept it when you feel ready. Not before’ Ben remembered only too well what his journey had been like, and he knew it could only end when he was ready to accept himself, not before. 

‘I’ve felt like this all my life...’

‘Drowning or attracted to men?’ Ben regretted asking the question as Callum withdrew his hand quickly and a flash of anger passed between his eyes.

‘What? You don’t know anything about me. You don’t know who I am and what I feel, yet you sit there and try to analyse me like a shrink. What gives you the right?’ Callum’s anger flowed from him vehemently.

‘I... I was like this Callum. I’ve lived this journey. Take it from someone who knows’

‘You?’

‘Yes, me. You were going to kiss me earlier. You know you were’

‘You walked away from me! You left! Why should I take what you say as gospel?’

‘I would have stayed... I wanted to stay...’

‘Then why didn’t you?’ Callum asked quietly which shocked Ben after his outburst a moment ago. He didn’t know how to respond so he stared at the floor for a minute before a pair of feet came into view. He looked up and Callum was right in front of him, a sense of almost longing in his eyes.

‘Your ringtone’

‘Excuse me?’ Of all the things Callum was expecting, that was the last thing on the list

‘The song... holds memories for me. Painful ones that I’ve tried to bury but hearing it... took me by surprise’ Ben shut his eyes to stop the tears falling, when he felt Callum take his hand and squeeze gently.

‘I’m sorry’

‘What are you apologising for?’

‘I don’t know’ Callum smiled as Ben chuckled., squeezing his hand in response.

‘We’re a right pair aren’t we?’

‘Suppose’

‘Callum... why did you come here?’

‘I needed to see you after earlier. To check you were okay, to find out what happened. I don’t know why, couldn’t even begin to explain it but its the first proper emotion I’ve felt in such a long time. Why... Why are you doing this? Why do you care about who or what I am?’

‘Why do you think?’

Callum saw Ben’s eyes dart down to his lips and it that second he knew. He smiled and closed the gap between them, his lips meeting Ben’s as he pressed them together. For a second Ben responded, pulling Callum closer by his jacket, but then Callum pushed him away, in a sense of blind panic. 

‘I’m sorry... God, what did I do that for?’

‘You wanted to obviously, and I can’t say I blame you. I mean, I am a great kisser’

‘Stop it. You’re inside my head, stop it! Stop it!’

‘Callum...’

‘I should never have come here. Why did I listen to my heart?’

‘You have to. Callum, whatever your head is telling you, you have to listen to your heart. Trust me’

‘Trust you! No, what are you doing to me. Stop it, just stop it! Leave me alone!’

‘I... I...’

Ben was unable to respond as Callum pushed past him, down the stairs and out the back door. He rubbed one hand over his mouth, the ghost of Callum’s lips still etched upon them. He smiled softly and shook his head.

What could he do now? He could be there, that was all. Cause this journey would be tough and lonely. But could only happen when Callum was ready. And looking at him, Ben knew he wasn’t.


End file.
